Roller coaster

It's been a long three months.

I just read back over the post from April, after I accepted the grad school offer. Funny how I titled that post "back and forth." Little did I know the back and forth was just beginning. Please be warned, this is a looooooong post. Not exactly the most conducive to reading, but it was therapeutic to write, so that's all that matters.

The weekend after I found out that deferral was an option, I thought about it and decided that deferral would probably just result in me being just as apprehensive a year from now. The only way I could know if grad school was for me was to go, right? So I emailed the program and told them I'd be starting in September after all. I began telling people of my decision, though I was still a little unsure whether it was really the right one.

It was hard to disentangle the cause of my feelings. Was it because I was afraid to move to the east coast? Was it the idea of switching from So Cal suburbia to east coast big city? The idea of putting up with freezing cold winters? Leaving my friends and family behind? Fear of the unknown? Or . . . was it something more rational?

I couldn't help but browse the internet. I browsed forums about the city. About grad school. About PhD job prospects (that scared me the most). The discomfort I felt about academia began to increase. I started talking to anyone and everyone about the decision I had to make. Advice usually took the form of "do what will make you happy" (except you don't know what will make you happy before you do it, do you?), "follow your gut" (my gut wasn't any less confused than the rest of me), "you can always go try it out and leave if it's not for you" (except much of my fear was centered on the career path AFTER grad school, not grad school itself).

My parents and I decided to take a trip over to check out the school and the city. It was a fun trip. I met up with a friend from the recruitment weekend and checked out some places I had found on CraigsList. One guy advertising was an alumnus from my alma mater (small world). Nice guy, great location, but the place wasn't the greatest. I ended up settling on a place that was much bigger, but also much farther away. Admittedly, my parents kind of pushed me to jump on that place, even though I was a bit apprehensive about the area. In the end I felt a little bit better about it though, after meeting with the girl I'd be living with. She's a really pretty pre-med from British Columbia. I figured if she could make it in the neighborhood, I'd be just fine.

Our trip also included a visit to the faculty member who I had chatted with about my concerns. I thanked her for her help, and also talked a bit more about the program to make me feel better.

Coming back home, I definitely felt a lot better about the school itself and the city. The worries about the career path continued to persist, however. I kept giving myself ultimatums: "Stop browsing the internet forums! The internet is full of negativity! It's not like people post on forums about how great their lives are!" But it wasn't just the forums. It was newspaper articles as well. I added a science section to my Google News page, and one of the top stories had a headline like, "Universities are churning out doctorates, but few jobs." The person profiled in the story? A person in my field. From UCLA. Who decided to leave academia to become a professional poker player. Apparently she finds that less risky??

The landlord of the place I had chosen was beginning to bug me to mail the lease and security deposit, and I began to freak out again. On top of that, I had a fun weekend wine tasting with my friends in gorgeous countryside that reminded me of what I was leaving behind (friends and CA) and made me extremely depressed. I could barely even enjoy the finale of "Lost," hehe. I talked a long time with my friends and decided it wasn't right for me to go, not if I felt this bad. On top of it all, my stress had begun to manifest itself physically as a cramp-like pain in my stomach. Worried about my health, I emailed the landlord and said there was a potential problem that might prevent me from moving after all, and that I'd let him know as soon as I could. He was alright with it, but said to get back to him asap, as he had others lined up for the room. I also asked my boss if it would be possible to cancel the search for my replacement if necessary. He said yes.

I wrote a message to my friend in the program to warn him that I may not be there in September after all. He wrote back and offered to talk about it on the phone. I called him and explained everything, and asked him about his decision to pursue grad school, what he was planning to do with the PhD, and what he thought about the program and its usefulness for helping students explore their options. The conversation was encouraging. I decided to talk to the faculty member for the third time, so I emailed her. I really didn't want to come across as needy or in need of coddling, but I didn't know what else to do. I basically told her my interest in academia was waning and that the most attractive option in my mind was at this point teaching at the community college level. I figured this would allow me with a degree of geographic choice that would be denied me by academia, and would allow me to focus on teaching without having to worry about running a research lab and applying for grants. She assured me that she felt their program would suit my needs, and she would gladly work with me to point me in the right direction once I came.

The conversations made me feel better. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law had written me a text saying he was relieved to hear that I was staying. I texted him back with a message suggesting I had experienced a(nother) change of heart. His response was along the lines of, "So you're going now? You're going to drive your mom crazy!" My sister wrote a similar email: "We'll support whatever you decide . . . just decide soon before you give Mom a stroke!"

Thinking the apprehension would continue until I committed, I wrote the check for the security deposit, signed the lease, and mailed it. Done. I began to tell people about how I had finally sealed the deal. It felt good. Sort of. For a little bit. And then the worries returned. And the depression set back in. I would think of friends who had started careers that would allow them to stay in California, and felt jealous. I began to think very negative thoughts about myself and my life. Meanwhile the ad for my job successor went out, and applications began to come in. My supervisor scheduled interviews. My boss saw me a couple times last week and could tell I was still very conflicted and depressed. He tried his best to console me (he's an amazing guy), and suggested I take a hint from the Eagles: "Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy." I couldn't help it, though.

I decided enough was enough, I couldn't do this on my own. I looked up the counselor that I hadn't seen for two years and paid her an impromptu visit. I started off describing all the reasons for my apprehension, and she suggested there didn't seem to be much reason for me to go. Then, however, I described the reasons I had to go, mostly about the attractive aspects of the program. That made her change her tune, and she suggested it might be worth a try. Argh! At least it's not just me, though. Apparently the situation will confuse even a professional.

Friday night I talked long with a close friend and admitted to him that I was still deeply conflicted and thinking of attempting to back out even at this point. We talked for quite a while, and I ended up thinking that I might very well see if it was possible. The next morning, I hesitantly called my mom to talk to her. She had probably lost more sleep over my problems than I had in the past month, so I didn't want to burden her further. However, I really needed to talk. I told her about how I had started seeing the psychologist again, and she still seemed ready to support me even if I changed my mind yet again.

That day I saw the psychologist and shared with her a realization that I had come to the night before with my friend: the positives of going to the grad program were mostly concentrated on the program itself. The negatives were mostly about the career path afterward. I was trying to have it both ways. I didn't want to go down the career path anymore, but I didn't want to give up the grad school experience. My boss was of the opinion that I should go try it out anyway, even if I had zero interest in the career. Sure, maybe if I was forever young. But I turn 26 soon. Time's a wasting. By the end of the session, the psychologist helped me feel confident that the right thing to do was defer.

So, I emailed my boss to see if it might be possible to cancel the interviews and keep me on. I emailed the landlord to see about cancelling the lease (luckily, there was a termination clause in the lease, as long as more than a month's notice is given). Today I spoke to my boss. He has agreed to keep me on. He is being VERY understanding about it, although I know I pushed him past the point of what should be acceptable. In addition, he's allowing me to take the month of July off so I can still do the travelling that I've been looking forward to for so long. I'll do unpaid leave to cover it, but it will be worth it. I feel so blessed to have such a boss.

The landlord texted me and said he'll get back to me this week. Hopefully that will go smoothly. I don't see why it wouldn't, it says termination is okay right in the lease.

I'm working on telling everyone about my final decision. It is absolutely humiliating to switch again, and I have to do it over and over. Most everyone is okay with it, but I don't want to think about how their perception of me may have changed. Heck, I've acted downright crazy. I still haven't told the program yet, but the faculty member said I could choose to defer all the way up to the start of school so I'm not worried about that.

Phew! I logged in to make a quick update and it turned into this! This was therapeutic, though. Now, to plan my trip, recharge, and start figuring out what I'm going to do. The door is still open to do the program next year, but honestly, I don't see that happening. Academia is a high risk, high reward profession, and I have never been a gambler. Why would I gamble with my career, which is the next 40 years or so of my life? For some, the passion for the subject makes up for the risk. For me, the costs simply aren't worth it.