Time for an update.
Things are still up and down. The week before last I had quite a great week, despite the fact that I was a little under the weather with a sore throat half the time. I went to West Hollywood for Wes's birthday, which was fun. We are becoming pretty good friends. I'm sure he'd still be interested in dating me, but I'm just not in the right place for that. I'm keeping an open mind, but I realize I do need to trust my gut.
Monday I had sushi with a couple that I know through the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. They're both super nice. Tuesday I went to my very first drag show at a bar in Long Beach with a guy I met on Grindr. Nice guy, but he's definitely one of those mixed messages types. He told a friend of his at the bar that we weren't on a "date," just a "hang out." But then we ended the night making out. He started to get a little more frisky than I'm comfortable with on a first date so I told him I take things I little slower than that. He seemed understanding, though a little disappointed. Since then he has been less communicative, but still texts me randomly. He has not proposed another meet up, and did not respond when I did. So frustrating. I randomly ran into him at a bar, which was a little awkward. He was friendly, but it may have just been an act. I've backed off, but still he'll randomly text me to ask how my day's going. Blah.
Anyways, despite that bit of frustration the rest of the week was good. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to town and stayed with me for three nights. This was only the second time I've seen them in person (the first being the San Francisco trip in September 2012). They were a blast. I got a lot closer with them, and they gave me a lot of dating advice. I feel like they sort of think of me as a project. They even pressured me into buying a pair of Andrew Christian underwear in WeHo, lol. I took them and some other friends (including Wes) to my improv troupe's Halloween show. It was a great time. Afterward we went to a local gay bar (where I ran into Mr. Mixed Messages) and then back to my place. Nina, her boyfriend and Wes all were there too. It was so nice having so many friends over. I really felt the love :)
After the fantastic visit from YouTube Guy and his bf, last week was a bit of a letdown. Wednesday especially was hard. I was just about as depressed as I've ever felt. I thought about Ben all day long. I still miss that fucker so much. I think my frustrating experiences with dating since then have also contributed. Promising prospects go nowhere. Guys that seem like a good match stop responding. Guys that are into me don't do it for me. And every time my prospects dwindle I once again start wondering about dating girls, just to try it. Then I find myself checking out guys and wonder how exactly dating girls would improve things.
I spoke to my mom on the phone that day. I told her about how, even after more than nine months, I still can't get Ben out of my head. She admitted that she has a hard time understanding it. She said that she has experienced break ups before, but never took it this hard. I asked her if the guy she lost had been the best friend she'd ever had. She said no. I responded, "That's how I felt about Ben." I think she was able to empathize a little more after that.
Hanging out with friends later in the week helped to improve my mood. I had dinner with Janice and went to the gym with Wes. Improv practice was a fun bonding experience since in honor of Halloween people were allowed to drink (drunk people doing improv is a whole new level of hilarity). I was invited by Nina to spend the weekend in San Diego with her and a bunch of friends next weekend.
Meanwhile I constantly try to think of new ways to help me get over Ben. I remind myself that he has serious emotional and intimacy issues, that it was not my fault. I tell myself that it was him, not me, that failed. The relationship was an amazing experience for me, and if he was unable to take the same joy from it as I did and approach it with the same level of optimism, then that's his loss. Despite my difficulties finding other people I click with as well, I try to reassure myself that there is someone out there. Someone with the emotional maturity to give a relationship the respect and effort it deserves. Someone who is able to recognize a good thing when they have it and not always be checking out the grass on the other side of the fence. Someone who is not intimidated by expressions of love and affection. Someone who doesn't just talk about the importance of communication and honesty, but actually practices what they preach.
I do feel I'm making progress though, despite periodic setbacks. Just the other night I had a dream in which I was in Ben's house (although it resembled my childhood home). However, the dream revolved around his roommate rather than him. His only appearance in the dream was when I walked by his room to see him laying in bed. Rather than approach him, I turned my back and kept walking. Perhaps the meaning of the dream is this: I can't expect to expunge Ben completely from my mind. However, that doesn't mean I can't choose not to dwell on it. I'm working on it.
Unfortunately last night I had a dream that we were back together. Oh well.
3 comments:
I think I have shared this story before -- I "broke up" with my best friend when he rejected me when I came out to him. I did not have romantic feelings for him, it was totally platonic, still I felt we were very close or so I thought. He had moved away and found religion, which contributed to our separation.
Anyway, the reason why I recount this is because I too have had a difficult time fully letting go. I used to have many dreams about reconciling, but in a weird way, my subconscious would not let my conscious wants accomplish that -- we would be in same situations in the dreams but we never meet in the dream so there could be no reconciliation or confrontation.
That is until 2 weeks ago -- I finally got to "meet" him in the dream, we were hugging. I felt a great sense of relief -- he's finally "forgiven" me. But after talking to a blog buddy, he asked me to consider that maybe the hug meant, I have finally forgiven him. Interesting how dreams may be interpreted a number of ways.
Anyway, I share this experience to let you know that just because you are having difficulty letting go, does not mean you are in some way unusual in how you deal with your grief and disappointment.
So hang in there, you will find the right guy for you.
You are not over Ben, because you weren't good enough for him, you were not enough reason for him to tackle his issues. At least that is what you are telling yourself. It is what I would tell myself. I imagine my first fall in love relationship to go exactly this way.
It is just a learning experience, know that and you will be alright.
Lol at the Andrew Christian underwear. Would love to see a pic of that, haha. ;-)
But more seriously, it sounds like you're yo-yo-ing a bit over Ben. And I totally get your frustration. Nothing seems to go anywhere far enough or fast enough to prevent the emotional rubber band from snapping back to Ben. And that sucks.
Hopefully something (or someone) can break that rubber band for ya soon.
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