Anyways, it's been a (relatively) long time since I posted, especially after my record posting habits in the first half of this year.
Ben and I are just about at the four month mark. Pretty much the only issue we have faced in our relationship thus far is trying to come to a consensus about the right amount of affection to show each other when in public or around friends and family. This became a conscious issue because of my family, but lately I started feeling like Ben had taken their criticism (well in some cases more like observations) too much to heart. It got to the point where I was feeling like I was the only one initiating any kind of affection, which made me worry about Ben's feelings toward me.
Over the weekend I decided to open up about it. Ben acknowledged that he does get self conscious about showing affection around others, especially when the two of us are hanging around one other friend that might feel like a third wheel. What do you guys think, what's the appropriate amount of PDA to show? Should you "tone it down" out of a courtesy to others around you who might not be fortunate enough to be in a relationship like you? Mind you, I'm not saying the normal level is making out in public or anything. Basically in public I just like to put my arm around his shoulders, or around his waist, and maybe sneak a little peck when no one seems to be paying attention. I feel like if I were to follow Ben's lead, we would be indistinguishable from a pair of good friends. Which in certain settings of questionable safety, is a good thing. But everywhere?
The place where I really got self conscious about it was in the movie theater. A darkened movie theater is so closely associated with affection between lovers that it's almost cliche. But all my attempts to hold hands, rest my head on his shoulder or rest my hand on his leg met with no reaction. Later he said it was because we were with my friend (let it be noted he wasn't sitting between us or anything!)
Anyways, I opened up about what was bothering me. Ben thanked me for being honest and felt bad that I felt that way over the whole weekend. He said that it was the presence of my friend that he was conscious about. I suggested that since I've been working on "toning down" my PDA to make him feel more comfortable, maybe he could "tone up" his a little bit. I said that I liked that little bit of reassurance every once and a while, and hoped that didn't make me seem overly needy. He said no, that he had heard that such reassurance is a common desire in relationships.
Basically we've agreed to try to meet in the middle to find a place that is comfortable for both of us. Since our conversation made me feel so much better (and really energized our feelings for each other) I suggested we make it a regular practice to have little "state of the relationship" chats, a time when we could bring up any issues that were bothering us, or remind each other about how much we mean to each other. He agreed that could be a good idea. What do you think?
To recap my questions to you:
1) How much affection is appropriate when out in public? When around friends? When around one single friend?
2) Do you think have fairly regular chats about the state of the relationship is a good idea?
7 comments:
My BF and I don't show enough - he is sensitive to other people seeing, but I don't mind as long as we are in an accepting place like WEHO, PS, or away from students/people I would know. We hold hands and onto each other typically in movie theaters. We have no problem playfully hitting each other, tickling each other. As far as kissing we tend to do it when no one is around us in a public setting.
Speaking as someone who often plays the third wheel, I feel that holding hands, putting an arm around someone, and even some cuddling are fine in any situation.
It should go without saying that if you're in weho or a club there is no such thing as too much pda... as long as most of your clothes are on ;)
And I think lots of communication is a good thing. This is the person you love most, if you can't be open and honest with them, what is the point?
Being self aware is an uncommon quality, but you should try to seek a happy balance of what people around you expect without altering too much of your individual personality. Just use some common sense based on your surroundings.
And yes, you should both voice concerns when they bother you. Sometimes just verbalizing things and hearing another perspective may alter your own view. That's way better than keeping things bottled up inside and letting resentment grow. Neither of you are mind readers so share your thoughts even though you may find that some of your fears are baseless.
How much pda you can show depends on the situation of course, But I think an arm around his shoulder or on his leg is appropriate in almost every situation, because that doesn't stop you from having eye contact or chatting with the other people you're with.
A little kiss here and there you're head on his shoulder, or giving him lovely stares however interrupts normal conversation and draws much more attention, how innocent it might seem, which might be awkward for the 'third wheel'. It's less important when you're with a whole group of friends, then you kind of merge in the group and things continue. This has nothing to do with being gay, it's just the same with straight couples. Couples sticking too much together can spoil that kind of 'group spirit' you can feel amongst friends.
With extended family it's a little different, since that's all ages mixed together who most likely don't show any pda at all. But with your close relatives I wouldn't mind doing those things you mentioned. Maybe you can answer the reverse question: do your parents/brothers/sisters/close cousins show any kind of pda and if yes what kind of? I mean, my parents don't hold back kissing, hugging and tickling each other when we're around, so why should we? They don't french kiss each other in public however, so I never make out with Stof in front of them and don't feel like too.
Of course 'state of the relationship' talks are good, even important to have. It reassures you both of being on the same line, and in case there's a different point of view on something, gives you the chance to discuss and the possibility to polish your opinion/view for the future. But don't make it too formal, like 'on every wednesday we must have a talk like that' seems awkward. Just have them when one of you feels like having such a talk.
Our 'state of the relation' talks mostly start after discussing a situation a friend or relative is in and then continue with ourselves, like where are we and what would we do in that case and stuff. Also driving home after visiting friends/family brings up those convo's, seeing how they live together.
The fact that you two can talk about those things and don't laugh each other of or wipe it away tells me you and Ben are reaching the 'next level' in your relationship. And you'll both be good at it. ;-)
Oh and about the music, maybe you can just post something that feels right with what you write but without a matching title. Would be a lot easier... and it's how I do it ;-)
I think what you're suggesting sounds perfectly reasonable in most situations - holding hands, arm around shoulder, arm around waist, a quick peck here and there. I wouldn't get too self-conscious about that.
All I know is that I'm personally uncomfortable with PDA (for myself, I don't mind if others display plenty of PDA). I guess I need to feel better in my own skin still.
How are you doing? We have not heard from you in awhile. That could be good relationship-wise or bad, it just depends.
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