Frustrations

I am extremely frustrated. I just wish I could experience "sexual attraction" the way that (nearly) everyone else does. I can look at a guy and think, "He's hot." Or I can talk to a girl and think, "She's nice." But there's hardly any sexual feelings, ever. What does sexual attraction even feel like? How would you describe it? If I only had more intense feelings I would have been able to define my sexuality a long time ago. Perhaps it would have been strong enough for me to identify as "gay." I feel that my conservative nature requires quite a large amount of justification before I do that, though, and without intense sexual feelings I don't see myself reaching that threshold of justification. Which leaves me trapped in this purgatory . . . not straight enough to date girls, not gay enough to date guys. I know I'm just going to have to choose, even if it doesn't feel perfect in the end. Yep, maybe for people like me it really is a choice, in the end. I don't have my libido telling me what to do, so it's all up to my head.

You might be thinking, "But B, in the last entry you posted pictures of Taylor Kinney and talked about how hot he is!" Yeah, I did. He is hot. But do I want to have sex with him? Can't say. He's easy on the eyes, that's all I know. Is that enough to go on?

Anyways, I just needed to vent. I know I've been struggling with this question for a long time. Why is it so hard to figure out? I think like with anything it's hard to imagine unless you've experienced it. My cousin didn't even realize intensity of sexual attraction was something that varied between people until I told him about my issue.

Another frustrating incident: I had a conversation with a friend of mine earlier. He's a bit eccentric and socially awkward. He can come across as arrogant and egocentric at times. But he's a loyal friend and a nice guy, so I've been friends with him for quite some time now. Several times he's mentioned this guy in his class, who is apparently gay. Each time he has referred to the guy as "he/she." I let it slide the first couple times, but tonight I had had enough and corrected him. We argued for several minutes, and I was shocked at how reluctant he was to refer to the guy as "he." He tried "they," hoping that would be some kind of compromise that I would accept, but I didn't. I told him that just because a guy is attracted to guys doesn't make him any less of a man. I argued that since gay guys are attracted to each other, by his reasoning that would make them essentially two women. So is he saying that gay men are like lesbians? He's stubborn, but he finally acknowledged that there are different types of gay men, some more feminine than others. We ended with an "agree to disagree." I warned him that thinking of gay men as "women in all but body" was a position that would be very offensive to a lot of people. Hopefully he learned something.