Back and forth

Well, the deadline for my decision has passed. The past month has been the most stressful month of my life. The weight of the decision I would have to make weighed on me all day, every day. The second I would wake up in the morning, I would instantly begin thinking about it again. My mind went back and forth repeatedly. Whenever I would think about the potential personal growth that could occur with the east coast move, as well as the interest in science that had brought me to this point to begin with, I would warm up to the idea of moving. Then, whenever my mind returned to the troubling aspects of academia and the uncertainty of that career path, I would freak out and plan to turn the offer down again.

Friday before the deadline week, I received an email from the chair of the program, checking in with me and offering to answer any questions I might have that could help me decide. I decided to reply with an honest email, explaining my apprehension about pursuing academia and asking about the possibility of deferring enrollment by a year (I figured it was a long shot). This led to a half hour conversation with her a few days before the deadline, where she shared with me her own experiences in academia, spoke about the program's opportunities to learn about alternative career paths, and most importantly, confirmed that deferral would, in fact, be a possibility. Better yet, I could accept the offer from the program and decide whether to defer until later. So, I accepted.

Unfortunately, this means drawing out my decision period. I think I needed the extra time, though. The rejection from my top choice really killed my self-confidence, and I think this was a big factor in my near abandonment of grad school. I know I wrote before that I don't want to enter grad school for the wrong reasons. Well, the same goes for potentially safer options like pharmacy and optometry school. If the interest in the work isn't there, it doesn't matter how "safe" the option is.

So where I stand now: I need to decide whether to 1. start the program in September. 2. Defer to give myself more time to decide if this is what I should do (with the disadvantage being, of course, pushing it back again) 3. Give it up and find a different path to pursue. They say that when looking back at your life you're more likely to regret what you didn't do, rather than what you did do. So, I am once again leaning towards going through with it.

I'm really seeing a theme in all these crises of mine. My indecisiveness seems to stem from a fear of commitment. I love having options, and hate the idea of choosing one path at the expense of others. I seem to prefer standing and looking at all of the open doors rather than choosing one and letting the others close. I'm really going to have to learn to make a choice and live with it.