Testing, 1 2 3

So this is just a little experiment, at least for now. I need to feel like I’m making progress, and starting this blog seems like it might be at least somewhat productive. I have no idea how often I will feel like updating this thing, nor how long I’ll stick with it. Seems pretty common for people to quit these things quite suddenly. I’ve had a blog before, but it devolved into a “What did I do today?” type of thing. The lack of anonymity meant that I was always censoring myself until what was left was pretty boring (as if this blog will have you on the edge of your seat, haha). So now I’m trying an anonymous blog, at least for a little while, to try to sort through some things. Not the most original idea, but worth a try.

I’m going to just go by B for now. I am at a time of my life that some call the quarter-life crisis. I graduated from college a year ago and am now working my first full time job to make some money and get some experience before grad school. I am in the midst of trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m hoping I will be surer by the end of the year, when I’m going to want to be applying to programs.

The main source of confusion and stress is my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I been on a single date. I only sort of asked out a girl once but it never panned out (she only agreed to hang out on a non-date since she was already seeing someone, then she flaked out on me). Pretty much since the beginning of college I've had an ever-growing suspicion that I might have an attraction to guys. In hindsight the attraction goes farther back. Fortunately I was not raised in a particularly religious environment, which would make it a lot harder to admit these things to myself. My family is still rather conservative though, especially on my dad’s side, which makes me nervous about the possibilities down the road. I’ve had crushes on girls before, but looking back it was never really based on physical attraction. I usually have to get to know a girl first before I get a “crush”. With guys on the other hand I tend to notice the attractive ones based on physical appearance alone. My only current “crush” happens to be a guy (that I’ve never talked to). I think a part of me is hoping against hope that I may be just far enough toward the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale to live a "normal" life. This article I came across discouraged me though . . . Shows how self-denial never helps anybody.

Well that’s enough for now. We’ll see how long it takes before I regret doing this and change my mind (I tend to second guess myself a lot, a very bad habit). Anyways I definitely do not plan on limiting this blog to that one topic. Lighter fare is always a good thing. Until next time.